Adamwestslapdog's Legend of Zelda Abridged Series
by Principessa Dell'Opera
Summary: If Nintendo had been on hard drugs at the time, the finished game would probably have ended up like this. A novelization of Adamwestslapdog's Abridged Series. All credit goes to him. I just wrote it down and posted it here.
1. EpisodeChapter 1

Episode/Chapter 1

_In the vast deep forest of Hyrule…Long have I served as the guardian spirit…I am known as the Deku Tree…_

_The children of the forest, the Kokiri, live here with me. Each Kokiri has his or her own guardian fairy. However there is one boy who does not have a fairy…Because he's a sick little weirdo…_

"Hehehe, oh, yeah baby, take it off…" the young boy mumbles in his sleep.

He's dreaming again. And it seems to be the same damn dream he's been having for a while…

"Aw, a castle?" the kid whines as he watches a badly animated drawbridge lower in the dead of night and pouring rain, "I wanted to have the dream with the girls and the hot tub! Man, this dream sucks."

A white horse with a woman and a girl on it came hurling towards him from the castle. "Alright! Finally some chicks! How you doin, baby?" he yelled.

The girl on the horse turned around and stuck her tongue out at him. "Get away from me, you loser!"

"Greeeeaaaat, now even in my dreams I'm not gettin any! Man, why does nobody love—" the kid mumbled, and he turned around, to see a…black horse! And a man, on the horse…

"GAH!" he yelled, seeing the horse. Or maybe it was the guy on the horse…

"You know," the Guy on the Horse said, "you're kinda cute!"

For the sake of the audience's eyes, the screen goes black, but unfortunately for the kid, he actually sees what the audience hears: clothes being thrown off.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" the kid yells.

_Time for the Title Sequence!!!_

_Adamwestslapdog presents…[long and awesome title sequence that will take too long to type]…The Legend of Zelda The Abridged Series. (Transposed to metaphorical paper by Principessa Dell'Opera)_

_End Title Sequence._

"Oh, Navi the Fairy, listen to my words, the words of the Deku Tree," the overly gargantuan mustached tree said in a very low and boring voice.

"Do you always refer to yourself in third person?" Navi the Sarcastic Fairy asked.

"No the Deku Tree doesn't!" it convinced itself. "I think it's time for the boy without a fairy to discover his destiny."

"And what destiny is _that_?" Navi asked, pretty damn bored with this tree that spoke WAY TOO SLOW.

"Well, to get rid of that damn squirrel that set a nest inside me of course!" the Immense Talking Tree said. Duh. "Do you have any idea how annoying it is having nuts deep inside you?!"

"For the last time, _YES_! Stop asking me that!" Navi yelled exasperately as loud as she could which is not very loud, because she's a fairy, ergo, she's small, ergo, small voice. Thank God.

"Whatever. Now just go get the boy without a fairy," the Tree demanded.

"Yeeeeeeeah, whatever you big wooden idiot," Navi muttered. "Ugh, why does it have to be _him_? He's probably not even out of bed yet. Out of my way, jerkass!" she yelled at a little kid with his legs spread waaaaaay too far apart.

"Hello!" a little girl on a roof yelled.

"'Hello' yourself! You're probably gonna be stuck up there forever!" Navi mumbled as she flew in the opposite direction of where she wanted to go. "ARE YOU HUMPING A ROCK?!" she stared a kid outside a house who was very obviously humping a rock.

"Hellz yeah!" he groaned.

"Okay, must get out of here! Really fast!" Navi turned around and flew _away_ from the rock humper, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, OW!" Navi shook her head after running, uh, flying into a tall fence. "Hope nobody saw that."

"I did!"

"SHUT UP, ROCK-HUMPER!" Navi yelled, looked at a sign, and flew into a kid's house.

"Finally! This place is a real freak town!" Navi growled as she got inside a random kid's house. "Hey, you, wake up!" she flew over to annoy the boy still in bed.

"No, no get off me you big, green, ginger-man!" the kid yelled in his sleep.

"Oooooooookaaaaaaaaay…Ah, screw it, wake up! I don't wanna walk past that rock humper again!" Navi tried to yell.

Little Kid yawned really loud, for a really long time, and saw Navi, "Hey, they make lightbulbs with wings now!"

"I'm a fairy, you jackass," Navi grumbled.

"Hee hee! Sweet! It talks!" he giggled.

"Riiiiight, whatever. Look, just come on, the Deku Tree has a job for ya," Navi said.

"Tell him I'll go when he comes to get me himself," Link (if you haven't figured out its Link by now, you need to see a psychiatrist or a optometrist) sniffed.

"You are aware he's a _tree_, right?" Navi checked.

"Oh. I just thought he had a funny last name," Link said blankly. Someone's an idiot.

"A FUNNY LAS—you—YOU JACKASS! Alright, come with me now, or else I'll—" Navi couldn't think of anything because what exactly can a flying lightbulb do?

"Or else you'll what?" Link said suspiciously.

"I'll kick your ass! That's what!" Navi made it sound almost convincing.

"Yeah right. Like I'd get my ass kicked by a flying lightbulb," Link said, bored. "I'm going back to bed."

_Black screen pops up that says "sorry folks this video is rated PG" while sounds of Link obviously getting his ass kicked are heard in the background._

"Hehe! If this was prison, you'd be my bitch!" Navi squealed as Link walked out of his house looking unscathed. Great graphics.

"Shut up!" Link growled, annoyed that a _lightbulb_ would beat the shit out of him.

_Now Ending Sequence!_

_"To Be Continued…"_

_REVIEW!!!!!!!_

_End Ending Sequence._


	2. EpisodeChapter 2

Episode/Chapter 2

"Okay! Deku Tree! We're back!" Navi announced as she and Link finally arrived.

"Well, you took your time. I sent you for him hours ago! What took so long?" the Very Big Tree asked.

"Weeeeeeeell," Navi started.

_Flashback._

"I got a sword!" Link sang, holding a short sword over his head, singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAAAH" music in the background.

"I got a rupee!" Link sang, holding a blue rupee over his head, singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAAAH" music in the background.

"I got another rupee!" Link sang, holding a blue rupee over his head, singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAH" music in the background.

"I got a shield!" Link sang, holding a wooden shield over his head, singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAAH" music in the background.

"I got a stick!" Link sang, holding a short stick over his head, singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAAH" music in the background.

"Alright, that does it! Stop _doing_ that! It's a _stick_! No one gets excited about a _stick_! The sword, I can understand, and maybe the shield, but a _stick_?! No one gets that excited about a stick! If you do that one more time, I'm going to kick you in the kidneys until you pee blood, then I'm gonna stick your face in it, and make you drink it!" Navi yelled.

_Black screen that says "Several seconds later"_

"So, you're gonna see the Deku Tree are ya?" Mido, the Kid With His Legs Spread WAAAAAAAAY Too Far Apart said, "Good grief. Ugh. How come the Deku Tree always likes _you_ best? Also that green-haired girl. Why does nobody like me, ME? Ugh. From now on, we're enemies!"

"I made an enemy!" Link sang, pointing to Mido, singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAAH" music in the background.

_Black screen that says "trust me you really dont want to see this" while unmistakable noises of Navi kicking Link in the kidneys is heard._

"AAAAAAH! MY KIDNEYS!" Link squeaked.

_Time for the Title Sequence!!!_

_Adamwestslapdog presents…[long and awesome title sequence that will take too long to type]…The Legend of Zelda The Abridged Series. (Transposed to metaphorical paper by Principessa Dell'Opera)_

_End Title Sequence._

"The weird thing was it tasted like raspberryade!" Link said (lemonade with raspberries mixed in?). "Oh, yeah, so what did you want me for anyway?"

"I want you inside me," the Deku Tree said as it opened its mouth.

Link promptly ran away. Very fast.

"Don't you think you could have worded that a little bit better?" Navi asked before going after Link.

"Wait, come back! I'll give you this Sacred Emerald!" the Deku Tree yelled. He somehow gave Link the Emerald, seeing as he doesn't have hands.

"I got the Emerald!" Link sang, holding the Sacred Emerald in the air, singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAAH" music in the background.

"Ahem!" Navi cleared her miniscule throat.

"Okay, never mind," Link mumbled, breaking off his song that he already had finished.

"Well, now that that's sorted out, I just need you to go inside me, and kill that damn squirrel that set a nest inside me." It opened its mouth again.

Link stood up and dusted himself off. "Oh, is that all? Well that seems simple enough. I mean it's not like you've got a giant dungeon inside you or anything. Hehehehe!"

"Um, y-yes. And if I did—which I don't!—it probably wouldn't have multiple floors and basements! Also other monsters! Now, in you go!" the Big Tree lied. Obviously.

Link skipped inside the Deku Tree's mouth.

"I've got a really good feeling about this," the Deku Tree sighed as he dried up like a prune.

_Black screen that says "a little later"_

"Okay, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Navi asked as Link lit one of his precious sticks on fire and ran towards a giant cobweb.

"Oh, I'm going to use this stick to set that cobweb on fire," Link explained.

"FIRE?! You're in a tree!" Navi yelled. "A tree that's made of wood! Use your head for a minute!"

"This is no time for thought!" Link said as he pelted towards the cobweb, "This is a time for action! HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The cobweb caught on fire. Obviously.

_Black screen that says "later that day"_

"This is Dave Davidson reporting. These were the scenes earlier today as the Kokiri Forest mysteriously burned to the ground." The news station shows scenes of what was the Kokiri Forest burning. "It's believed that the fire originally started at the Great Deku Tree. Some witnesses who were at the scene of the crime had this to say."

The news camera focuses on a clearly guilty Link and a very pissed off Navi. "I'M INNOCENT I TELLS YA!" Link yelled helplessly.

"Quiet, you bonehead, or you'll give it away!" Navi whispered.

"Someone else was also seen at the scene of the crime, though his connection is currently unknown," the disembodied voice of the newscaster continued.

_Black screen that says "earlier that day"_

"Oh, no! The forest is burning down!" Ganondorf said as he rode into the flames (yes, the same man who was in Link's dream in episode 1). "I must save the children!"

"Oh, uh, yes! It was him!" Navi yelled, half convincingly. "I saw him! He had…matches!"

"Huh? Oh, y-yes! He said he'd come back and whip me if I ever told anyone what really happened! I'm so scared!" Link lied like a Persian rug.

"Well, there you have it, folks," that creepy disembodied voice continued. "Thanks to this young hero, a criminal will be brought to justice. And what kind of punishment can he expect? In this reporter's mind, even the Death Penalty is far too lenient."

Link and Navi stood there veeeeeeeery awkwardly.

_Now Ending Sequence!_

_"To Be Continued…"_

_REVIEW!_

_End Ending Sequence._


	3. EpisodeChapter 3

Episode/Chapter 3

"Okay, let's get out of here before they can link us to the crime!" Navi said as Link ran over a bridge.

A girl somehow materialized out of thin air behind Link. Wow! "A crime?" the green-haired Saria asked sadly (yes, it's Saria. Who else would it be?).

"Huh? Hey, what the—" Link stuttered as he turned around and saw Saria who stood there with a bland smile on her face.

"Okay, she's on to us. Now just go over there and make something up. And whatever you do, don't cave in!" Navi ordered Link.

"Hey, come on! What do you take me for?" Link asked. He does not want to hear the answer to that question.

"So, Link, where're you goin'?" Saria asked in a curiously high voice that sounded nothing like a girl's, like Navi's.

"NOOOOO! Please don't call the cops! How was I supposed to know that the Great Deku Tree was flammable?! I was unawaaaaaaare!" Link sobbed.

"Huh? Oh, I get it, you're going to leave to catch the guy that burned down the forest!" Saria said. Fail! You pay $600. Do not pass "Go". Do not collect $200.

"No, you fool, it was me! I'm the one who—!" Link started to confess.

"AHEM!" Navi very obviously cleared her throat.

"Huh? Oh, right!" Link remembered. "I mean, yes. That's the situation as far as _you_ know."

_Time for the Title Sequence!!!_

_Adamwestslapdog presents…[long and awesome title sequence that will take too long to type]…The Legend of Zelda The Abridged Series. (Transposed to metaphorical paper by Principessa Dell'Opera)_

_End Title Sequence._

"Oh, Link, you're so brave!" (*snort* yeah right.) "Here, take this with you. In most adventures, a musical instrument would be completely useless, but in this one, well, you never know." Saria gave Link a very weirdly shaped thing.

"I got the—uh, um, the uh, guh, the, uh, okay, what is this thing?" Link sang, holding the thing in front of him and singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAAAH" music in the background.

"It's an ocarina silly! It's kinda like a flute, except it's shaped like a sex toy," Saria explained. Isn't she too young to know what a sex toy is?

"Cool! Well, guess I better get going," Link said, and he _almost_ left…

"Wait, Link, don't go. I've always waited for the right time to say this," Saria started saying while really cheesy music ("My Heart Will Go On" is cheesy, people! Get over it!!!!) played in the background. "But since I may not get another chance, I love you."

"Oh, Sarah—"

"Saria!"

"—Saria, I-I love you too. I love everything about you. I even love the fact that you dyed your hair green," Link gushed. (I'm seriously trying not to puke, here!)

"So, you'll stay?!" Saria asked desperately. (Too late. Lunch is gone.)

"Yes. I promise. Nothing you say could ever make me leave your side." Link is no exception to guykind: he lies through his teeth!

"Great! So do you wanna come back to my place and watch my collection of Whoopi Goldberg movies?"

Record scratch! "Um, well, that sounds like a really fun—RUN AWAAAAAYYYYYY!" and Link ran as fast as his little legs could go, which is not very fast.

Saria sighed. "Ooohhhhhhh, why does no one like Whoopi Goldberg except me?"

_Creepy slideshow of Whoopi Goldberg!!! My eyes!!!_

_Black screen that says "I think a part of my soul just died." Yeah, I think a part of mine did too._

"Man that was scary!" Link said as he ran away from the now nonexistent forest.

"Well, at least the worst part's over now," Navi said. Someone sounds relieved!

Not quite yet!

"Hoot, hoot! Link, my boy, look up here! My name is Owly McOwl, and it's my job to give you pointless information that you either already know, or don't care about! For example, you know you're meant to be going to the castle to meet with the princess, but some pointless information would be that she wears a pink dress, much like my Uncle Albert!"

"Okay, is this guy just going to babble on like this?" Navi asked while Owly McOwl's voice is still heard in the background.

"Aw, don't worry, it looks like he's nearly done."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive! I mean, how much longer can he ramble on anyway?" The dumbest thing to come out of Link's mouth, _thus far_.

_Black screen that says "later that day" which means midnight_

"—and that's how I ended up eating porridge instead of oatmeal for breakfast this morning. Would you like to hear what I said again?" the damn owl finally finished.

"What? Dear God! No!" Link yelled. The owl must be deaf.

"You have selected 'yes.' Now, getting back to the story about my cross-dressing Uncle Albert…"

"Should we ditch him?" Link asked eagerly. He vaguely heard the damn owl in the background saying, "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…"

"Are you kidding?! I thought you were never going to ask!" Navi groaned. Then why didn't you speak up before, you glow-in-the-dark ping-pong ball?

_Black screen that says "the next morning"_

"…And that's why the movie 'Transformers' will never happen in real life," (WHAT?!?!?!?!?! REALLY?!?!?!?!?! I'm going to crawl under a rock and die now. All my hopes are gone. GONE!!!!) that owl finally shut up after ruining a girl's dreams. "Oh. H—he's gone. Oh well, I'll talk to these FanFiction. Net reading people then. Would you like to read what happens in the next episode? For 'yes' leave a review at the end of this chapter. For 'no' leave a review at the end of this chapter. And for 'maybe' leave a review at the end of this chapter…"

Awkward silence.

"You have selected 'no.' Goodbye." And—OH MY GOD HE FINALLY SHUT UP AND FLEW AWAY!!!

_Now Ending Sequence!_

_"To Be Continued…"_

_REVIEW!!!_

_End Ending Sequence._


	4. EpisodeChapter 4

Episode/Chapter 4

"Ah, finally arrived in Castle Town!" Link sighed. I don't think he knows why he's there though…

"Great, now first things first. We need to find you a job," Navi said determinedly. No one gives a 10 year old a job! Silly Navi!

"What? I don't wanna get a job!" he whined.

"What? Then how are you going to afford the necessities like food or shelter or love?" Navi asked. I think Navi has had some experience with this…

"Ah, but you're forgetting that this town is home to the Hyrule Royal Family. I mean, how bad can it be roughing it on the streets of this town?" Link asked, ever the genius.

"Very bad," she answered.

"Oh, poor poor poor simple naïve Navi. Prepare to be proven wrong," Link the Idiot patronized, patting her on the head.

_Black screen that says "later that day"_

"Hello sir," Link said to a random man sitting on the street who looked like a ReDead, only alive, "Could you tell my simple-minded flying friend that it's not so bad living on the streets in this town?"

Awkward silence.

"Um, sir?"

The man made a sound that was halfway between a yawn and a gasp for air.

"I think he's dead," Navi said, dead-pan.

"Huh? But what did he die of?" Link was shocked.

"Well, by the look of him, I'd say he was attacked by some wild dogs. But on the other hand, by the smell of him, I'd say he'd drinking his own urine." Okay, majorly grossed out now!

"Sooooooooo…Job hunting here we come!" Link cried, and ran away from the now dead ReDead looking guy.

_Time for the Title Sequence!!!_

_Adamwestslapdog presents…[long and awesome title sequence that will take too long to type]…The Legend of Zelda The Abridged Series. (Transposed to metaphorical paper by Principessa Dell'Opera)_

_End Title Sequence._

"Man, it's harder than I thought finding a job!" Link said after an uneventful and unfruitful day. "Hey, do you know if they're hiring people at the castle?" he asked a little girl who was obviously Malon on YouTube but not FanFiction because the readers can't see her. "You know, any job at all will be fine, you know, something like a sex butler, or—"

"Hee hee! You're a fairy boy!" Malon squeaked in a painfully high-pitched voice. Thank God you only meet her like twice! Oh, great, my dog just came running over, thinking Malon's voice was a special dog whistle…

"Huh? What? Oh, I get it, it's because I've got this fairy following me around, right?" Link asked. Well…

"Huh? Oh, I never noticed that before. I was just talking about your fashion sense, and your haircut," Malon said. Well, it's not like you're any better, Malon!

"Look, are they hiring people at the castle or not?" Link demanded. Touchy!

"Well I think so. I mean, my dad got a job delivering milk there. Although come to think of it, he did say he was only going to deliver one crate of milk, and that was over a week ago. I don't suppose you could get him for me," Malon hinted.

"Tell you what, I'll get him if you stop calling me 'fairy boy,'" Link answered.

"Fair enough, but for a new nickname, since you're all green, I'll call you 'Snot Ball' instead." Smartass.

"Dooooooooooooh!" Link groaned, making his voice drop about three octaves, and making him sound like Homo Simpson! I mean, Homer Simpson.

_Black screen that says, "some stealthy action later"_

"Cockadoodledoo!" the chicken crowed as Link held it out over Talon. Where did the chicken come from? (Okay, for all you smartasses out there, I _know_ where the chicken came from, but you don't see him get the damn chicken in the Abridged Series!)

"It's-a me, Talon," Talon said with a very strong Mario accent.

"Mario?" Link asked. Isn't Mario supposed to be really short, genius?

"No, I am not-a Mario. I am-a Talon, just ask-a my brother, Luig—I mean-a, Ingo," Talon said.

"Leave-a me out-a of-a this!" Ingo said, holding his head in his hands for some odd reason.

"You know, you're-a about the same-a size as a Shroom," Talon said pensively.

"As a what?"

"A Shroom. They're like-a special kind-a of a mushroom, except-a that they-a make you feel like you're twelve feet tall, and they're perfect for when you're travelling through the pipes to different-a kingdoms!"

"Ooooookaaaaaaaayyyyyy. I'm going to stop talking to you now. I just need to let you know that your daughter's waiting for you," Link said exasperatedly.

"What? My daughter? She is-a here? Oh, no, people are going to see that-a she has-a the devil's orange hair!" And he took off running REALLY REALLY fast. If Mario could move that fast in the games, it'd be a whole lot better.

"Hey, wait, don't you have to finish delivering these crates of milk?" Link called, but Talon was already gone. Go figure.

"You know, if we finished delivering the milk, we could get paid for it!" Navi said. About the only smart thing she's said…

"Yeah, good idea! I mean how difficult could it be delivering milk?" Link agreed.

_Black screen that says "several seconds later"_

"Okay, I'll just push this box here, and…" Link said as he pushed a crate off of a ledge. There was a very loud sound of glass shattering. "Uh-oh."

"Okay, what happened to the milk?" Navi asked Link, sounding like a mother. Freaky.

"Well, I think it's important to point out that the important thing is that _we_ both survived," Link said sagely. Not.

"You broke it, didn't you?" Navi guessed. Not that hard, really.

Link sheepishly grinned. "Kinda."

_Now Ending Sequence!_

_"To Be Continued…"_

_REVIEW!!!_

_End Ending Sequence._


	5. EpisodeChapter 5

Episode/Chapter 5

"Alright, we've broken into the castle!" Link yelled.

"Great, now let's see if we can trick them into paying for the milk," Navi ordered.

"You got it!" Link said, and he ran into the courtyard, towards a girl standing at a window. "Hey, you in the dress, we delivered your milk for ya. Just to let you know, we need to accept payment before you op—" she heard him, and started to turn around, "—pen the…crate?" he stopped talking and stared. And stared. And stared. That's why he doesn't get laid.

"My God! She's beautiful! She's like the very definition of a fairytale princess!" Link gasped. Yup, that'll get you the ladies kiddo. She stared at him right back, but seemed a lot less enchanted with him.

"Hey, assface! How'd you get past my guards!" the pretty girl demanded. Hello, Sailor-Mouth!

Link sighed like a lovesick frog, "She sounds like a goddess, too," he drooled.

"Hey, Snot Ball! You even listening to me? I asked you a question!" she yelled. Link still drooled.

"Huh? Oh, right the guards!" Link temporarily snapped out of his drool-fest. "Well…"

_Black screen that says "seconds earlier"_

"A-breaking into the castle we shall go!!!" Link sang at the top of his lungs while running around some hedges. Genius.

"'Ey, Paul! Wos tha' noise?" Idiot Guard Number One yelled while Link ran past them very obviously. He hasn't played Solid Snake, yet, has he?

"Boy tha's just one of them talkin' hedges!" Idiot Guard Number Two answered while staring straight at Link.

"Gorsh, Paul, you so smart!" Idiot Guard Number One said. He sounds a bit like Goofy.

And a few moments later, Idiot Guard Number One spoke again. "'Ey, Paul! Look! It's one of them there walkin' hedges!" …wow…

_End mini-flashback_

"It was as epic as Metal Gear Solid and Splinter Cell combined!" Link declared. Facepalm.

_Time for the Title Sequence!!!_

_Adamwestslapdog presents…[long and awesome title sequence that will take too long to type]…The Legend of Zelda The Abridged Series. (Transposed to metaphorical paper by Principessa Dell'Opera)_

_End Title Sequence._

"I see." Zelda said. Uh-oh. "Well, since you broke into the courtyard, I'm going to throw you in the dungeon!" *GASP!*

Link was still drooling with a stupid far-off look on his face. Oh, wait, sorry, that's how he normally looks. Well, he was drooling more than usual this time. "Aw, you're so sweet! Didja hear that, Navi? She's giving us a room!"

Navi was stunned. What an idiot! "Do you even listen to yourself talk?" she demanded. Probably not, Tinkerbell.

"Then I'm going to throw you in the iron maiden!" Zelda giggled. Creepy.

"Aw, she likes rock music too! That's so cute!" Link drooled some more. Dumbass.

"Could you stop being an idiot for one minute?!" Navi asked rhetorically.

"Then after a few months I can execute you!" Zelda squealed with joy. Wow. Morbid child.

"…um…well, okay, I'll admit that one's not very good," Link said awkwardly through a mouthful of drool.

"Then I'll stick your head on a—" Zelda paused in her master plan. "Hey, wait, are you a fairy?" she asked.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" Link demanded. "Is it because I don't wear any pants? Because that's purely a comfort thing." WOW TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI!!!!!

"Not you! I was talking about that thing that's flying around your head!" Zelda groaned. Another facepalm.

Link looked surprised. Big change. "Huh? Oh, yeah, that's just Navi."

Zelda got excited. "Then you must be from my dream! I dreamt that a young boy in green clothing was burning down the forest, followed by a fairy! While a big green ginger-man put out the fire and rescued children!" BUSTED!!! Zelda continued though. "I think that big green ginger-man represents you!"

Link stood there veeeeeeery awkwardly. "Um, y-yeah, that makes sense?"

Zelda turned around. "Then the young kid followed by a fairy must represent…" Pause for dramatic effect! "_That man!_" Rhymes with Batman! Wow!

Link walked up to the window. "Okay, well, let's just take a look here…" and he looked in the window…

_Screen shows a big fat guy with his shirt off dancing to the numa numa song with a label painted on his huge beer belly that says "The Brew 97.3" OH MY GOD MY EYES!!!_

"GAH! MY VIRGIN EYES!!!" Link screamed in pain while the writer recovered from her seizure and nightmares.

"Oh, sorry, that's Principessa Dell'Opera's dorm room on St. Patrick's day." Zelda apologized. (For the record, the guy had his clothes ON! He was just drunk as hell and thought he lived in my room for some reason…). "I meant this window instead." She gestured to the same window. Huh? Laws of physics here, people, are being shattered…

"Well, that looks like the same window, but, okay," Link went up and looked through it again.

He saw Ganondorf approach the throne, singing, "Kay, sirrah, sirrah! Good news, your Majesty! I have finished single-handedly building that orphanage!"

Link and Zelda turned away and Zelda threw up. "That monster sickens me! I _suppose_ if you're going to save the world from him, then I can't imprison you…" She sounds so disappointed. And she kept talking. "Right, our first choice of action has to be to get the Sacred Stones from the Zoras and the Gorons." Then she smiled and looked innocent and cute and all those mushy pronouns. "Kay?"

Every time Zelda smiles, a puppy dies…

"But how will that help save the world?" Link asked.

"It won't, I just think they look pretty." Girls and sparkly stuff… "Okay, tell you what, I'll give you an ocarina for your trouble."

"But I've already got one!" Link whined.

"Your one's a cheap piece of crap! My one's much better! Now get going! Impa will lead you out!" she yelled. Link meandered back to where he came in where a woman two times the height he was was waiting for him.

"So, you are da one dat the peencess is having da dream about," Impa said in a very heavy German accent (German is the closest thing I can think of! How on earth do I know what it really is!). "Een my dreams men are beeg and strong and not wearing clothes." WOW IMPA TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "I weell now teach you a song dat weell put da peencess to sleeeep." She took her fingers and said, "Whistle whistle, whistle whistle!"

"That was horrible!" Link stated with a bored look on his face. Great graphics.

"Quiet, now you try!" Impa demanded.

"Well, I've never done this before but, okay," he said, and pulled out his sex toy—I mean!!!—his ocarina and played a tune on it that I still don't know so I can't find it on iTunes.

Suddenly they were outside of Castle Town, not even facing each other. ZOMG!!! "Dat wos horrible. I now going to deestroy you wit dee palace guards' most powerful weapon." She wound up…threw it and!

…

…

…

She disappeared…

"Huh? Where'd she go?" Link asked, looking up. Smart boy. Very smart boy. Epic fail.

"I think she ran away from the flash of her own Deku nut," Navi said, sounding close to tears of frustration. I'm surprised she isn't nuts herself.

_Now Ending Sequence!_

_"To Be Continued…"_

_REVIEW!!!_

_End Ending Sequence._


	6. EpisodeChapter 6

Episode/Chapter 6

"Okay, here we are in Kakariko Village!" Link announced. He marched up to a guard. "Hey you, I need to get going up the mountain."

"Oh, no! No no no! It's far too dangerous for a child!" the guard said in a rather silly voice.

"Ah, don't worry, I'm tougher than I look," Link replied. Why hasn't Navi said anything? I'm surprised she's stayed so quiet for so long!

"Look, kid! They call this place _DEATH_ Mountain for a reason! Not Fluffy Pink Bunny Mountain! Why, on that mountain, giant boulders rain down from the sky!" the guard warned.

"Aw, that's okay, I'm wearing a hat!"

"Well," the guard seemed determined to keep our idiotic hero away. "There's also these weird jumping spider things up there." Yeah, what _are_ those supposed to be anyway?

"I grew up in a forest. Do you really think I'm going to be afraid of spiders?" Link pointed out sensibly.

"Well, I also hear that the lava up there is itchier than regular lava!" The guard fabricated.

"I'm sorry, _itchy_ lava? That doesn't even make any sense!" The King of Oxymorons said. "Now look, I'm really _really _not afraid of anything that's up there."

The guard floundered, then gave in. "Alright, if you insist."

The gate opened, and Link was about to go up the mountain, but stopped politely while the guard said, "Okay, kid, you be careful up there!"

"I will."

Link was about to leave when the guard spoke _again_, "And if you need to get down again, there's a talking owl at the top of that mountain."

Link paused. "Wait a minute, did you just say 'talking owl'?"

The guard looked confused. "Well, yeah. He lives at the top of the mountain."

"Hey, what are you doing back here!?!" Zelda demanded as Link appeared in front of her.

"I can't climb that mountain knowing there's an owl up there! It's far too dangerous," Link sniffed.

_Time for the Title Sequence!!!_

_Adamwestslapdog presents…[long and awesome title sequence that will take too long to type]…The Legend of Zelda The Abridged Series. (Transposed to metaphorical paper by Principessa Dell'Opera)_

_End Title Sequence._

Our episode opens with a beautiful panoramic view of Death Mountain against a beautiful turquoise sky…

"Stupid Zelda. Making me go back up the mountain." The imagery was shattered. Link went on.

"Well, you know, we don't _have_ to go on. You could do some side quests if you want," Navi suggested. Link looked freaked out and revolted at the same time.

"No way. Remember that stupid Sun Song side quest thing we did?" Link pointed out.

_Mini flashback_

"Okay, just have to run past this zombie here," Link said as he dodged a ReDead. Suddenly it turned to him and shrieked.

"Ugh! Can't…move!" Link gasped as the scream froze him in place. Navi froze in horror and confusion as she watched from above.

"What the hell?" she asked, in a tone like "holy shit, wtf is going ON!?!"

The zombie wrapped itself around Link and attempted to butt-rape him. "GET HIM OFF, GET-HIM-OFF, GETHIMOFF!!! HE SMELLS LIKE ZOMBIE ASS! GETHIMOFF!!!!!" Link yelled.

_End mini flashback_

"I mean he didn't have a penis, so technically he didn't _stick_ anything anywhere, but it's the fact that he was trying that frightened me," Link told Navi. She nodded in a thoughtful way.

_Black screen that says "A short while later"_

"Hello there, young human," Darunia greeted Link and ignored Navi. "How can I help you?" He's helpful!

"Zelda wants to know if you'll give her the Sacred Stone of fire," Link said. He could have said it in a way that didn't sound like he was demanding it to be handed over…

"Yeah, alright. We never use it for anything anyway," Darunia agreed. Link and Navie and the writer all sighed in relief.

"Really? Wow, that was easy!" Link said. Dumbass just jinxed himself.

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, hold on there," Darunia ordered. "You can't get something for nothing. I'm not gonna give it to you free, after all."

"Okay then, what do you want?" Link stupidly asked.

"Well, let's see. There's only three things around here that need to get done," Darunia thought aloud. "The first is you can go learn the Sun Song for me."

Link's mind quickly went to the penis-less, butt-raping ReDead. He shuddered. I think everyone that watched this episode and played the game thereafter did too, each time that happened.

Link said, "Next."

"Also, my slightly aggressive pet Dodongo needs to be fed," Darunia added.

"And the last one?" Navi asked reluctantly.

"The last one is that I want someone to listen to my DJ music," Darunia finished. Choice A, choice B, or choice C…

"Okay, we'll go for that one," Link automatically made up his mind.

"Great! I call this one 'Party in Goron Village'," Darunia announced.

Crappy techno music came on, and Darunia began to dance very badly while singing off key. "PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY!"

Navi immediately cut in, "Um, well that was…very…erm…_nice_," she said lamely.

"Um, yeah. Very…colorful," Link added as an afterthought. "Now, just give us the Stone, and we'll be on our way!"

"Oh, but I have more than one song," Darunia declared. Navi and Link stared, their mouths open and catching flies.

"Oh, okay. I guess we could listen to one more," Link decided.

_Black screen that says "73 songs later"_

"PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY!" Darunia sang, and danced as the readers go "wtf? Doesn't he have more than one song? O.o"

"Um, listen, no offense, or anything, but don't you know any other songs that aren't about partying?" Link asked timidly.

Cricket. Cricket. Darunia stared at Link blankly.

"PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY! PARTY PARTY PARTY!"

"Okay, I think I'm going to go feed that Dodongo," Link said after a particularly off-key rendition of "Party."

_Black screen that says "One action-packed dungeon later"_

"Stupid party-obsessed rock-man," Link complained as he jumped down a hole. "What the hell is a Dodongo anyway?" Link turned around, and saw the answer to his question. A giant lizard-dragon-dinosaur thing.

"My guess would be that," Navi stated as the Dodongo roared at them with HORRIBLY BAD BREATH!!!

"HOLY CRAP! WHAT DO I DO, WHAT-DO-I-DO, WHATDOIDO!?!" Link freaked. Navi thought for a moment.

"Well, feed it, I guess," she suggested.

Link threw something in the Dogongo's mouth, and it promptly swallowed it. "Here, eat this!"

"Okay, now you _did_ remember to feed it the giant cherry, and not the bomb, right?" Navi asked, just like a mother asks "Did you remember to do your homework?"

Link looked at Navi exasperatedly. "Hey, come on, give me _some_ credit."

The Dodongo roared in pain, curled up into a ball, and rolled itself into the lava, screaming in misery.

"Okay, there's a slight chance it was a bomb," Link deduced. Navi looked close to tears of frustration.

The Dodongo slowly began to sink as its flesh began to burn.

Link winced. "Oh, this is gonna cost me."

The magical exit came, and transported him outside, halfway down the mountain. Suddenly a huge boulder came hurling out of nowhere, making Link dive out of the way. Darunia stood up.

"So, did you manage to feed my Dodongo alright?" he asked. Link bit his lip in anticipation.

The camera cut to the Dodongo burning in its pit of lava, screaming "THE PAIN!!!"

"Oh, yeah!" Link lied, hoping he wouldn't be caught lying so blatantly.

"Great! Then here's your Sacred Stone," Darunia said, and he lifted his hands and the Goron's ruby magically appeared. How, we will never know.

"I got the Sacred Stone!" Link sang, holding a short sword over his head, singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAAAH" music in the background.

"Yes, you certainly did," Darunia said. Thank you, Captain Obvious. "Oh, and before I forget, some of my boys say they found a zombie that taught them a really special way of attacking! Boys, show him how it works!" Two more Gorons dropped out of the sky like Darunia had.

"Well, boss, it went something like this!" one of them said, and they slowly advanced toward Link, shrieking, just like zombies.

Link promptly turned tail and ran away screaming like a little girl, and ran into another Goron that dropped out of the sky, and he fell over.

_Now Ending Sequence!_

_"To Be Continued…"_

_**REVIEW!**_

_End Ending Sequence._


	7. EpisodeChapter 7

Episode/Chapter 7

"Alright, here we are in Zora's Domain!" Link announced as he ran in. Navi eyed him a little suspiciously.

"Well you seem pretty cheerful," she observed.

Link shrugged. "And why wouldn't I be? I've only got one more Sacred Stone to get, and then me and Zelda can be together forever." [This is the Grammar Police calling. We seem to have found a serious breach of elementary grammar. The form of the first pronoun needs to reflect its function in the sentence.]

Navi frowned. But she humored him. "And what gives you that idea?" Or not.

"Remember how she was all over me whenever I told her we got the Sacred Stone of Fire?" Link asked, preparing for a flashback.

"No," Navi blatantly replied.

_Black screen that says "the way link remembers it (aka what link wishes had happened)"_

"Hey Zelda, I brought you back the Sacred Stone of Fire!" Link announced proudly.

"Oh, Link, you're so brave and sexy! I want you. I want you now!" Zelda gushed. An admittedly scary sound.

"No, Zelda. I must save the world first," the self-sacrificing hero bravely declares, denying himself the pleasure he is sure will come. Gag. "Then we can do the Horizontal Happy Dance." (The author is about to barf.)

"I'm sorry, Link." What? Zelda apologizing. Someone get this kid some Motrin, she's got a fever. She's apologizing. "It's just that whenever I'm around you my physical urges get so strong."

"I know it's tough. But please, try and stay strong. For me," Link said in a low voice, trying and failing to sound masculine and sexy.

"Okay, my darling. For you," Zelda gushed like an open wound.

"Wait a minute! That's not how it happened!" Navi interrupted Link's fabricated flashback.

_Black screen that says "the way navi remembers it (aka what actually happened)"_

"Hey Zelda, I brought you back the Sacred Stone of Fire!" Link announced proudly.

"So what? There's still another one to get! Now hurry up and get it before I have the guards execute you!" Zelda demanded, as rude and crude as ever.

Link grinned a cocky, unfounded grin. "Oh yeah, she wants meh!"

_Time for the Title Sequence!!!_

_ Adamwestslapdog presents…[long and awesome title sequence that will take too long to type]…The Legend of Zelda The Abridged Series. (Transposed to metaphorical paper by Principessa Dell'Opera)_

_ End Title Sequence._

Link ran up to the throne where the fish-king sat. "Hey, King Zora, we found this letter in a bottle. It's addressed to you."

"Oh goodie! It's from my daughter. Let's see what it says!" King Zora simpered in a rather annoying voice. "'Dear Father, If you're reading this now, then I've been eaten by Lord Jabu-Jabu. Please rescue me. Signed, Princess Ruto.' Oh no!"

"Wait a minute, if she's been swallowed by a fish, then how could she have sent this letter?" Link pointed out. *nod nod*

"Well by using the mailbox that we had installed in there of course!" King Zora explained exasperatedly. Duh!

"But, that just raises even more questions!" Link protested. Seconded!!!!!

Navi sighed. "Oh well. _We _should be okay as long as he didn't give her the Sacred Stone of Water."

"Oh! And I had just given her the Sacred Stone of Water as well!" King Zora lamented. Navi facepalmed, but you can't see her actually do it, so just assume she did.

"Aw, crap. I guess that means we're going to have to hurry ahead and rescue her then," Link sighed dejectedly. King Zora nodded determinedly.

"That's right! We must hurry! There's not a moment to lose!" he cried, and began to inch—erm, millimeter his way out of the way of the door.

_Black screen that says "several hours later"_

King Zora is still millimetering away.

_Black screen that says "another few hours later"_

King Zora is still millimetering away.

"WILL YOU HURRY UP!!!" Link screamed in frustration.

"Okay." King Zora is still millimetering away. And away. And away. "There we are! Now you can go rescue my daughter!" Question: If he's such a doting father, wouldn't he go do something himself, instead of sending an idiot after her? Well, it is Ruto, so we can't really pretend we care…

Link ran through the door and ended up in Zora's Fountain, a rather pretty place with a really big eyesore.

"WHOA! LOOK AT THAT FISH!" Link gasped, seeing Lord Ugly-Eyesore—I mean, Jabu-Jabu. "I wonder if it's bigger than the one I caught at the fishing hole earlier." He uncorked a bottle, and shook out the still wriggling guppy. Princess Ariel called. She'd like her best friend Flounder back, please.

Link used an unexperienced eye to compare the sizes. "Hm. I'd say they're about the same," He nodded sagely. Disney also called. They would like to say that they are not in any way, shape or form associated with a moron like Link.

Lord Very Ugly Hippopotamus blinked, and opened his mouth for a treat that was Flounder, since he ate Sebastian and Scuttle earlier. However he inhaled too deeply, and took Link and Navi with Flounder.

"YOU IDIOT!!!!!" Navi cried as they were sucked in.

"At least I died the way I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiived!" Link yelled as he disappeared down Lord Obesity's throat.

Suddenly, they find themselves standing _in his mouth_, very much alive, and breathing in _really bad fish breath!_

"Great. Now we're trapped inside the FISH!" Navi grumbled. "_Now _what are we going to do?"

Link thought. Painfully. "Well, we came in through the front," he began slowly. "So I guess we should leave through the, um, well you know. Back."

Navi was revolted. "Oh, no. These are new shoes. They're not going anywhere _near_ a fish's rectum," she sniffed.

"What? But, you don't have any feet," Link pointed out. "Plus you fly everywhere. What the hell do you need shoes for?"

"I'm a girl. We like shoes." No truer words have ever been spoken. (If any of you female readers agree with this statement, write your favorite brand of shoes in your review. If you guys agree, then, um, write the shoes you wear the most, I guess. Though I really don't think you'd care either way…)

_Black screen that says "one very fishy dungeon later"_

"Okay, if my calculations are correct, then the colon should be just through here," Link announces as he goes through a doorway.

A REALLY BIG UGLY THING called Bio-electric Anemone Barinade was waiting for him as he entered. Navi shook her head. "You idiot, this is the brain! Although…this could actually work out better. If you tweak it a bit, then maybe you can get it to open its mouth."

"Okay, well that seems simple enough," Link agreed. Every time he uses that phrase, something goes terribly, horribly wrong. "Just tweak it."

And then he charges in, hacking away, killing every bit he can reach until the brain finally just explodes into nasty green goop.

"Whoops." Link stood there awkwardly for two seconds. "Oh, hey look! A magic exit!"

He was magically transported onto Lord Braindead's back, where a short Zora stared at him full in the face, invading his personal bubble.

She giggled.

He freaked.

"What the hell!" he yelled as he backed away too fast and fell into the water. The Zora followed him, coming out of the water and moving seductively towards him, invading his personal bubble once more. There's nothing quite like being hit on by a Zora.

"Hi! I'm Princess Ruto!" she said in a painfully high-pitched voice that sounded like a guy using his falsetto. Oh wait, it is a guy using his falsetto…

"Weren't you supposed to be in the fish?" Link asked, completely oblivious to her extremely obvious flirtation.

"Oh, I had enough time to escape while my father was very slowly moving out of your way," she said flippantly. Oh, the memories of millimetering… "He said you were looking for the Sacred Stone of Water."

"Yeah, that's right."

Ruto hesitated for a millisecond. "Well, I guess I can give it to you. I mean, after all, you didn't hurt Lord Jabu-Jabu."

"Actually, I don't think he'll be able to feel pain anymore," Link admitted.

"Aw, that's nice," Ruto said as she swam away for no particular reason. "Well, here you go."

"I got the Sacred Stone!" Link sang, holding the elaborate sapphire over his head, singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAAAH" music in the background.

_Black screen that says "and now a King Zora public service announcement" as Adamwestslapdog says virtually the same thing._

"Hi, kids. Today, we saw Lord Jabu-Jabu swallowing Link. And that led to a very cool adventure. But if someone you know tries to offer _you_ an adventure to eat, THAT'S NOT COOL! Sure, taking an adventure might seem like fun at first, but how fun do you think it is whenever he starts using some of your more sensitive organs as a dungeon?" Awkward pause. "That's right. Not very. Lord Jabu-Jabu learned that the hard way."

Lord Brainless is shown opening his mouth again. "I should have just said no!"

"That's right, kids. Don't make the same mistake Jabu-Jabu made," King Zora lectured. "Keep it cool. Stay in school." Epic fail.

_Black screen that says "If you think one of your friends is eating adventurers call king zoras hotline on 1-800-MY-FRIENDS-A-NUTCASE"_

_Now Ending Sequence!_

_ "To Be Continued…"_

_**REVIEW!**_

_ End Ending Sequence._


	8. EpisodeChapter 8

Episode/Chapter 8

"Alright, now that we've gotten all three Sacred Stones, Zelda's _certain_ to fall in love with me!" Link said proudly as the drawbridge was lowered. It was a dark, dreary night, raining heavily, and was a perfect night for a Sherlock Holmes mystery to begin. However, since Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law are nowhere in sight, we'll just have to stick with an idiot and his flying lightbulb.

"I wouldn't bet on it if I were you," Navi said bluntly.

Suddenly a white horse came barreling out of Castle Town as if the rider was running for his life. As they got closer, Link and Navi could see that it was Zelda and Impa, fleeing the castle.

"Ha! Shows how much YOU know, Navi! See? She's already rushing out to embrace m—GAH!" Link yelled as he dove to the side to avoid the horse. It probably would have been funnier if he got his ass run over, but we'll make do with Zelda's smartass remarks.

"Out of my way, jerkass!" Zelda yelled back at Link. If the writer may be so bold:

_Flashback to Episode One, without Adamwestslapdog's consent (SORRY!!!)_

"Whatever. Now just go get the boy without a fairy," the Tree demanded.

"Yeeeeeeeah, whatever you big wooden idiot," Navi muttered. "Ugh, why does it have to be _him_? He's probably not even out of bed yet. Out of my way, jerkass!" she yelled at a little kid with his legs spread waaaaaay too far apart.

_End flashback that might end my life_

"No worries, Zelda. That was probably my fault," Link shouted after her.

"Shut up, you loser!" Zelda retorted. "Hey, Impa. We're not getting away fast enough, so we'll have to drop some useless weight. So I'm afraid you'll have to get off."

Impa is not Zelda's teacher/nanny/tutor/attendant/maid/surrogate mom for nothing! "I wos tinking you would say dat, peencess, so I sellotaped us both togeder."

"Damn you, Impa!" Zelda whined. "You're always one step ahead. Well, I suppose this ocarina is the second most useless item I brought with me." And she chucked the ocarina into the smelly castle moat. Gotta love her mad baseball pitching skillz.

"Hey, did she just throw something behind me?" Link asked stupidly. Then he turned around and he saw A HORSE! And a man on the horse. Ganondorf. Duh.

Link stared in horror and screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Ganondorf gave Link A Look. "What are you screaming for, boy?" he asked Link who was backing away.

"Oh, sorry, I got confused for a while and thought this was Episode One," Link explained.

_Time for the Title Sequence!!!_

_ Adamwestslapdog presents…[long and awesome title sequence that will take too long to type]…The Legend of Zelda The Abridged Series. (Transcribed to metaphorical paper by Principessa Dell'Opera)_

_ End Title Sequence._

Link and Ganondorf were sitting in the rain at a little table with a white (albeit wet) tablecloth, eating tea and drinking crumpets, having a nice little get-together and conversation.

"So, why are you chasing after Zelda, anyway?" Link asked conversationally as he inhaled another crumpet.

"Well, little boy," Ganondorf began, patting his mouth daintily with a napkin, "I heard that the crime rate in Hyrule was so low that the king is going to have to let some of the castle guards go. So in order to help the police service" he poured himself another cup of tea, "I have become a criminal!"

Link looked at him blankly with crumpet stuffed in his mouth. "So, wait a minute, you're being evil to be nice?" He stuffed another crumpet in his already full mouth.

"Yes! Why earlier today, I stole this glow-in-the-dark baseball!" Ganondorf held up his hand, and a glow-in-the-dark baseball appeared in it. "Here, catch!" He chucked the baseball at Link that smacked him right between the eyes, and bowled him over. Navi looked on amusedly.

"Huh, what the hell?" Link said, sitting up, cross-eyed.

Ganondorf leapt up from the table and onto his horse. The tea party vanished. "Oh, no! What have I done!?! I've killed him!" Ganondorf cried dramatically, putting his hand to his forehead and looking faint.

"Huh? No you haven't! I'm fine," Link pointed out, standing up. Ganondorf was too distressed to pay attention to the standing dead person.

"Oh, I truly have become evil! I hope someday your grieving family can forgive meeeee!!!" Ganondorf sobbed as he rode off into Hyrule Field. Link looked after him, bewildered as usual.

"That guy's really bizarre," Link declared.

_Black screen that says "several hours of swimming through castle sewage system later"_

Link once again dove underwater, and finally retrieved that which had been chucked behind him.

"I got the stinky ocarina!" Link sang, holding the smelly Ocarina of Time over his head, singing to the "da na da DAAAAAAAAH" music in the background. "Oh hey there's a note inside!"

He opened it eagerly underwater and could not read it. So Zelda narrated the letter for him.

"Dear Link, it's me, Zelda. I'll have to leave the castle for a while, because Ganondorf has decided to try and kidnap me for some reason. Needless to say, this is all your fault for taking so long to get those damn Sacred Stones. Unfortunately, since I'm not there, I can't punish you myself. So you'll have to leave the stones in the Temple of Time and then await my return. At that point, I'll choose a suitable punishment for you. Yours angrily, Princess Zelda." Zelda finished narrating, and Link got out of the sewer-moat.

"Aw, didja hear that Navi? 'Dear Link'. Hehe, she called me 'dear'!" Link gushed.

Navi huffed. "Did you even _read_ the rest of the letter!?!"

Link shrugged. "What for? It would just be her rambling on about how great I am."

Navi facepalmed and groaned. "Ooooooooh!!!"

_Black screen that says "Later at the Temple of Time"_

"Okay, I'll just put these things down here…" Link said out loud as the Sacred Stones floated down onto the altar-thing in front of the Doors of Time.

The Doors of Time slid open, revealing a place that would only be known to—"Wow!!! A magic door!!! Just like the ones at the supermarket!!!" Link gasped. On second thought, never mind.

Link ran through the door and saw something in the next room. It was the only thing in the room.

"And look what's in here!" Navi cried, almost in awe. She flew over to the object and hovered around it. "It's the Sword of Evil's Bane! The Master Sword!"

Link had to ruin the moment. "Is that anything like the Sword in the Stone where if I pull it out I get to become the King of England?"

"I don't think so."

"Cause if I was King of England, then Zelda would be _certain_ to fall in love with me!" Link concluded. Navi rolled her eyes.

"Fine! Believe what you like!" she retorted, and went back to staring at the purple sword.

Link did a fist pump. Loser. Actually, LoZer. Hee hee! If you didn't get it, it's okay, you didn't miss much. "Alright! Sorry Prince Charles, but I just became the next in line!" he gloated as he pulled the sword impressively out of the Pedestal of Time.

Then everything went white. Racists.

Suddenly Ganondorf appeared, apparently over his grief at killing a boy that was very much alive and stupid. "Oh no! That last special effect was so spectacular, that we now have no budget left for the sets, or other characters!" That explains the white. "Luckily for all of you, I used to be a top notch stand-up comedian! Do you know that it's raining cats and dogs outside? In fact, I just stepped in a really big _poodle_!"

Fail.

"Oh hey look, the Triforce!" Ganondorf exclaimed.

Epic fail.

_Now Ending Sequence!_

_ "To Be Continued…"_

_**REVIEW!**_

_ End Ending Sequence._

_Black screen that says "Next Time on Zelda Abridged"_

[insert epic music and montage here]

[insert epic fight scene between Link and a Gerudo here]

"_A Child's Mind"_

[insert Link looking stupid here]

"_In An Adult's Body"_

[insert Link checking himself out, Navi checking Link out, Sheik checking Link out, and Link checking his hand out here]

"_THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME THE ABRIDGED SERIES_

_The Adult Link Saga"_

"Hey, Navi! I just went to the bathroom! You're NOT gonna believe it!" Link squeals excitedly, his voice yet unchanged.

Navi answers just as exasperatedly as she did seven years ago. "I DON'T want to know!"

_Coming Soon!_

[end epic music and montage here]

**Review!!!!!!**

**P.S.**

**The song is called "See Who I Am" by Within Temptation.**


End file.
